Lost in the Query Letter Woods

Do I have any idea what I’m doing?  No.  Do any of us?  No.  Here is my story.  Be entertained by my blunders and learn from my mistakes.

I finally wrote “The End” on my first manuscript at the beginning of January.  After jumping up and down for several days, toasting with my blog partner, and printing my book—just to look at it and smile, I had no idea what to do next.  As I began the editing process, I bought two books on Amazon.com.  One book was a listing of literary agents and the other was a “how to” book on writing query letters.  I was proud of my resourcefulness.  Why did everyone stress over this process when there was a book conveniently for sale out there that would hold my hand, and walk me through the writing of this dreaded letter? 

I read.  I highlighted.  I dog-eared pages.  Then I wrote a two page long letter proclaiming in the first paragraph my need of a literary agent and why the reader of my letter would be the agent for me.  Keep in mind I sucked up in a manner that was still vague enough to be a form letter or “specifically unspecific” as I like to say.  I then outlined the entire book—no need to look any further to discover more about this story, it was all right there.  How easy I was making some literary agent’s job!  Then I closed with my list of writer credentials which included my college degree in an unrelated field, my love of books, and my travels to places not even in my book.   My query letter was written just as the wonder book told me to write it.  Perfect!  

And then I sent it to a few literary agents.  I was sure this was it.  This was all it would take to get “The call.”  That was when I started getting the form rejection letters.  After the forth rejection that, (Thank you Jessica Faust at Bookends Literary Agency) said I didn’t have enough hook, I started to do some research.  I began to follow every literary agent’s blog that exists or once existed.  I listened to their complaints.  I read their critiques.  I learned.

Here is what I found:  I was so wrong; it was embarrassing.  A query letter should be 1 page or less, (250 words.)  It should start with the synopsis, which should tell what the story is about without revealing the ending.  If you can’t hear the engaging voice of the movie trailer guy in your head as you read it, it needs more hook.  Use phrases like: she had a choice to make…or he had to decide between…  The essence of your writing should shine though the synopsis of your book without telling a series of events.  Take out the agent kiss up routine.  Hello, they know why you need an agent!  That’s what they do for a living.  And if you, like me, have no experience, don’t try and make some up.  Let your story speak for itself.  To summarize, start with your synopsis, then tell the title, word count and genre, thank them and that is all you need.  Cut everything else!

Now, here I sit about to send out the first round of revised query letters to the literary world.  I hope the Query Shark will be proud, and she and her friends will not rip me limb from limb.  I’ll let you know what happens this time…

Am I the only one who has been lost in the query letter woods?

Anniversary Woes

 “It should be hot, smooth skin,” Mr. Alpha Male stated as he read further into the scene we were editing.   “There needs to be a comma after thigh.  …her right thigh, as his tongue traced…”

You would think that having a sex scene that you wrote read back to you in slow motion by your significant other would be a romantic way to spend your anniversary.  But, you would be wrong. 

Yesterday was my 15 year anniversary with Mr. Alpha Male.  There was a time, 10 years ago, even 5 years ago; when I would have wanted an exotic vacation, jewelry, or a fancy night out on the town to celebrate such an occasion.  However, with our little boy asleep upstairs, and the remnants of his toys strewn across our living room floor, there we sat together on the sofa, diagramming every sentence of a spicy scene I wrote for A Matter of Time.  We laughed.  I turned an unseemly shade of red.  Was it erotic or even sweet, the way we spent our anniversary evening? No, unless you consider the willingness to correct grammar all night sweet- which fortunately I do.  Then it occurred to me, as I cringed at my use of the word turgid, real life and fictional life, are exactly opposite concepts to one another. 

In fictional life, all heroes smell nice even after a day of riding horses.  They never have bad breath, gas, or any annoying habits.  The heroines never have to use the bathroom at inconvenient times; and they are never grouchy in the mornings.  The timing of changes in life like: career moves, marriage, and children, always come together perfectly to create a happily ever after.  There is always plenty of money for ball gowns and London Townhouses.  The bad guy gets what he deserves in the end, while the good guy reaps the rewards.   And I’m certain that they celebrate all anniversaries in extreme style.

And then there is real life.  Bills, stress, stinky feet, crying babies, colds, dirty dishes, and work all seem to punctuate our daily routines, leaving no room for the sweeping romances I like to read and write about.  However, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  It was a perfectly un-perfect way to spend my anniversary with Mr. Alpha Male.

I am thankful for the gritty, real life that I’m surrounded in everyday, even if I would rather be wearing a ball gown while I write this.  How real is your real life?  Would you rather be wearing a ball gown?